Mothers in glass houses should not throw stones, for our fathers are not to blame alone!                                             

This past Father’s Day, Senator Obama spoke to the fathers of our children. He pointed a stern finger at each and boldly expressed the fault of our race as it pertains to their roles in our future. He was sure to include the need for fathers to be active members of their households and stressed the importance of their quality existence.  He also moved to support a bill to “enforce” his views via tougher child support regulations and more services for those needing domestic violence assistance.  I couldn’t agree more with his concerns about the role that fathers play in the lives of our village, but I think that it is unfair to exempt our mothers from their share of the blame.

On a summer night, a young man “cruises” the strip of a local youth hot spot. He and a friend see a group of young ladies standing in a parking lot dancing, laughing, and socializing. He drives in their direction, with one thing in mind. SEX. He is not interested in finding out about her past, parenting, schooling, health, goals, aspirations, or fantasies. He only sees the challenge of taking away the final innocent part to her whole, her virginity. Their courtship becomes a dance. He makes a move and she makes two. He slows down and she speeds up. She isn’t concerned that he hasn’t bothered to get to know her or that he doesn’t listen to her when she offers up information about herself. Sure he could be more respectful of her, but first she should be more respectful of herself. Sure he owes it to his mother to assume she is a lady prior to her proving him incorrect but it is hard to play games of pretense when she gives so freely of herself.

The first thing most people want to say is her clinging is due to a lack of a father figure in the home. Supposedly, she has somehow transferred that longing to the next man who stops to show her any attention. That sounds good but the only problem is she has a mother. It is a woman who teaches a young lady what it means to be a woman. In this young lady’s life, she has seen her mother move through relationships with good men, bad men, and those simply described as indifferent. The subtle mistreatment of this young lady seems like the norm as she relates it to the behaviors she has seen in her home. She has been reared by a woman who did not take her God given role to mean, “I must walk as I choose to lead for my footsteps are merely a map to a greater or worse life for my daughters.”  This problem runs rampant among our community and is just as poisonous as the absent, irresponsible fathers. The greatest problem here is that we fail to see that each cycle of dysfunction starts at a point of ill decision making and is simply fueled by its habitual repetition. Why do these destructive behaviors reproduce? Comfort! It is easy to live a life in which you are not forced to grow, perform better, or tackle the challenges of things unknown.  For example it is easy to take a monthly government allowance to purchase your food as compared to having to budget your own funds to maintain your household in totality. Using the “system” as a means to a greater self sufficient end is commendable but electing the dependant way of life rather than aspiring for more is lamentable.  

As women we must look into the eyes of our daughter’s and decide who they should be and do everything we can to provide them with the opportunity, exposure, standards, and the innate desire to be the individuals that stand for something. I know that men are necessary to our progressive family structure, but a man wants a woman. Too often we say look what they have done to us but let’s remember that no one can do anything to us that we won’t have them do. In the dance of the young couple I mentioned, she had a choice to demand he raise his standards or be on his way. Yet, she settled for less and in the end was left as someone else’s albatross. Now she is without her comfort zone as the young lady’s mother has washed her hands of her. She is now digging deep into someone else’s pocket for her survival and having to live by those standards whether contradictory on complimenting to her lifestyle or not.  Now, he is disinterested and feels she is unprepared for life as a new mother. He doesn’t want to be with her and is torn between the desire to be a parent or a pay day. His lack of logic in a silly search to obtain bragging rights bought him more than he was ready to pay for. Once again the cycle is unbroken because she didn’t set non -negotiable standards.  The saga continues because she hadn’t been taught a woman’s worth. She hasn’t been taught to settle for nothing less than the ultimate best by someone who was living proof.

The 3 best things we can do for our daughters:

1.      Respect ourselves as women, wives, mothers, and providers. Take these roles seriously and put the decorum back into our roles. Not snobbish, but definitely lady like. Dignity is not a “look” but a mentality. A woman of dignity wears it from the inside out and it shows!

2.      Choose men that respect us as women, wives, mothers, and providers. Don’t settle for the men that are in and out of our beds. He needs to be monogamously yours. Let go of the men that use our tenacity for survival as their “free ride”. He needs to work just as hard if not harder! Never allow violence to be regular and/or acceptable simply because communication is complex. Talk it out or someone needs to take a walk. Steer clear of the men that demean your dreams and condescend your talent. Belittling is disrespectful.

3.      Actively participate in healthy relationships that provide positive family structure. A strong family structure provides children with an important sense of safety. That safety often translates into confidence and allows them to be aggressive risk takers. Academically these risks mean the difference in being in the Science Fair and being the winner of the Science Fair. A safety net means I can try without fatality.

I challenge all mothers…

Examine the relationships you bring before your children. How healthy are your choices of significant others? How do you demand to be treated? Do you compromise your standards to the point of annihilating them? Do you realize that you are the most influential role model your children have for the treatment and demeanor of a real, worthy woman? Who you are directly effects who your children become. It is written that, “The sins of the father (mothers too) are visited upon their children…”  Generational suicide; the unbroken cycle.

Dear Mama,

            I saw you cry when I told you about me and Lonnie’s fight.

            The painful look on your face made for one unforgettable sight.

            At the time I wasn’t sure what was wrong.

Well that was until my daughter came along.

You were concerned that the cycle would carry on.

But mother that is where your thoughts went wrong.

See, there was a weakened link in this chain of repetition.

My daughter was not comfortable for she was on a different mission.

As I suffered through despair and dreamt of victory.

My daughter learned important lessons from me.

She saw what I needed and realized what I had.

She knew every child needed to see a strong mom and dad.

She took it upon herself to provide

An equally yoked God fearing man as her loving guide.

Together they worked to keep their love as true as their vows.

And made sure to teach their sons and daughters exactly how.

And when I perished at the hands of the man I loved,

My daughter had the pastor release one single dove.

She said it was a symbol of hope and an act of termination.

For it meant the link to that tragic suicidal cycle was placed into extinction.

Building families that thrived on positivity and prosperity

Would now and forever be our new cycle of family history.

                                                                                    -S. Tate

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